Life Changes

At some point in your life, something will happen that will change your life forever. Now I'm not talking about the day to day "crisises" that happen. Those, most times, come and go, you deal with them, adjust, make the necessary changes (or sacrifices) and move on. I'm talking about something so huge that it actually takes your breath away, literally hurts, mentally to physically, day after day, over and over and you feel like you can't deal with it, adjust to it or make the necessary changes to move on. So huge that you can't wait to go to sleep at night so you don't have to think about it, yet you dread the thought of waking up the next morning to the same agonizing pain that you just know will NEVER go away, NEVER be able to be changed. On March 16, 2010, something that huge happened and it changed my life forever. As a passenger in a truck driven by his friend, my son, Robby, along with his friend, was killed. He was dead. Killed, dead....words that I never associated with any of my children or grandchildren. Disbelief was temporary as it became reality all too quickly. My first reaction when the police stood in my home and told me, "No mam, he's not alright, he's dead" was..." how could this be?" I looked up and reminded God that He was supposed to keep my children safe, I prayed about it every single day, and I BELIEVED God would, no doubts in my mind, I trusted my prayers. Well, aren't we supposed to? Countless times, to many people, I would say that if you don't trust God when you ask Him to do something, then you are wasting your time praying about it. I'd say, "Trust is the key. You have to TRUST." Well......I trusted, I believed.....what happened???? These past several months have been agonizing for me, trying to tell myself that I'm not angry with God, I trust that He had good reason, I don't have to understand it. But deep down in my gut, I wonder why God allowed this to happen. I was faithful, I was persistent in my prayers, (Pray without ceasing, isn't that what God says?) I tried to live according to His Word.

I know one thing's for sure, my prayer life, which was essential to my existence, was in shambles. I had doubts everytime I prayed. I'd tell God, "You already know what the outcome will be so why am I praying about it, You aren't going to change Your mind", I have episodes of intense sorrow....yea, sure, I'm told there are steps to go through during the grieving process, but I don't believe that. If that's true, then I'm stuck in the step of sorrow, never able to get out of it. I try to console others in my family also grieving, but I always think in my mind, "Do I really believe what I am saying??". Then, today, I was listening to someone I've never seen before or even heard of, talk about how big God is, how what miracles our lives consist of just in our being. Then he said, "God has a purpose for every circumstance and no matter what that circumstance is, He promises to renew your strength." I always knew that, I always lived by the fact that God is always in control and sometimes His reasons aren't meant to be understood, how we have to trust Him. But, somehow, hearing this one sentence today made things seem different. I keep hearing those words in my mind and it's changing me. It's as if God is reminding me He IS with me, He IS helping me, He DOES know what I am feeling, even when I don't know myself. It is like I am feeling Him embrace me, like a loving father puts his arms around a hurting child. Sure, nothing can be changed about Robby's death, that's permanent, for now. But, unlike I had been feeling before, I feel I CAN move on. Yes, I will miss Robby for the rest of my life. I will cry for him, I will long to see him, hug him, tell him how much I love him. BUT....I CAN change the direction I need to go in order to move on. It will be difficult, but not impossible.


In my mind, it will never get easier. How can it? I will never be able to laugh with Robby, talk with him, cry with him, ever again, for the rest of my life. But I CAN move on by letting God soothe my hurt, renew my strength. After all, He knew before He took Robby how I was going to feel so now I need to let Him do His work with me and help me learn to live with the grief..........until Robby and I meet again. And we will.....maybe that, in itself, will bring me joy for the future instead of sorrow in the present. Like the words of one of Robby's favorite hymns....

"I love to tell the story of unseen things above.

of Jesus and His glory, Of Jesus and His love.

I love to tell the story, because I know it's true

It satisfies my longings, as nothing else would do."

Instead of focusing on my sorrow, I will strive to focus on telling "the old, old story of Jesus and His love."